Subliminal Funnies

If you have ever seen The Big Bang Theory, Two and a Half Men, Mike & Molly, Dharma and Greg, Cybill, and Grace Under Fire, chances are you have seen Chuck Lorre Vanity Cards. Chances are is that you haven't realize that you have seen these vanity cards. You know at the end of shows where producers put their business cards? Don't know what I am talking about? Here are some examples:

"Sit, Ubu, Sit! Good dog"

(This isn't a television production, obviously, I just really like Pixar.)

Well Chuck Lorre's "bussiness cards" are different rants. I discovered this while watching a marathon of The Big Bang Theory Season 3 (which by the way is on sale at Target). I am not really sure what caused me to want to read them in the first place but that is beside the point. If you are watching a Chuck Lorre produced show and have a way to pause your TV, I encourage you to pause and read them because they are only up for two seconds. I think they are hilarious. Aaron doesn't have the attention span to read them, but I will let you judge whether or not it is worth pausing for. Here are some of his business cards:


CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #300

300. An auspicious card. To me. At the very least it represents my having had a hand in writing and producing three hundred episodes of television. Some of which were pretty good. Some of which were... in color. Additionally, it means that on three hundred separate occasions I tried to turn my one second of network time into a form of entertainment. Or, if you prefer, a form of inflammation. Some of the vanity cards were, like the TV shows preceding them, pretty good. Others were... grammatically correct. But still. 300. That has to count for something, right? That's gotta be worth some kind of attaboy. I'm certainly not being paid to write these things. In fact, there are several people at CBS and Warners who'd probably pay me to not write them. (Mental note: Look into setting up a blind auction predicated on the idea that, for the right price, I would permanently change my written vanity card to a cute picture. Maybe a photo from my most recent colonoscopy. Let's see what the market fetches.) Anyway, this is my three hundredth vanity card. I really wanted to write something that was as important as the number seemed to imply. I'm pretty sure I've failed. Attaboy!

HUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #198

Censored!


Well, wouldn't ya' know it. Just two episodes back from the strike and I've already managed to write a vanity card that is completely unacceptable to the good folks at CBS. I wasn't trying to offend. Honest. I just saw an opportunity to poke some proverbial fun, to knosh on the hand that feeds, if you will. They were not amused. If you would like to read my latest exercise in poor judgement, I'm sure you can find it somewhere on that thing we writers were striking to claim dominion over. Just to be on the safe side, I apologize in advance. Please know that my aim was only to provoke a bit of gaiety through the judicious use of a little thing I like to call "the truth." Unfortunately, in the television business, the truth rarely sets anyone free. More often than not, it just pisses them off.



CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #111*

This is the official "I have nothing worth writing about" vanity card. It will run whenever I have nothing worth writing about. Don't be surprised to see it quite a bit. From now on, when our schedule requires me to deliver a new card and I'm empty, I'll simply say, "Run one-eleven." A check of the one hundred and ten cards I've already written will quickly demonstrate that I should have written this card a long time ago. Why didn't I? Vanity. I had become vain about my vanity cards. I was determined to write a new one each week because, well... I'm just that kind of guy. But I'm older and wiser now. I know when I have nothing to say. And that knowledge is freedom. Freedom from the constant need to win your approval. And more importantly, freedom from the obsessive and relentless need to end each vanity card on a joke. Glenn Beck is sober.*


Click here for the Chuck Lorre Vanity Cards archive.

10 months exactly :)

Well I got my dress and I got my reception venue, both of which I cant find a picture online. Well I found a picture of the outside of it but the computer I am using is taking forever to load it on here. So if you are really curious look up Fern Bluff Community Center.

Finding my dress was surprisingly fun. I say surprisingly fun because I feel like I am the only girl in the world that hates shopping. My attention span is really short and I get frustrated when the clothes that look oh so adorable on the hanger don't look so adorable when they are surrounding a body. I went to David's Bridal with the list of dresses I liked. Of course my consultant was too lazy to look up on the computer which dresses those were so she basically sent me to the section that was my size and had me go to town. I was drowning in a sea of tulle and lace and white stuff. I actually went with the second dress I tried on, and yes I did try on other dresses but I kept comparing them to this one.

I have started the typical diet everyone goes on when they get married. I was thinking about making an inspirational photo to put on my fridge with this guy:

Underneath I am going to have him say "Nuh Uh Girlfriend."

I am sure my roommates will appreciate this art as an addition to our decor...

30 Seconds of Repetitive Bliss

Anyone who knows me know that I despise commercials. There are very few shows where I watch the whole thing because I always change the channel when a commercial comes on. Today I am going to feature four commercials that I actually miss.

This is an extended version of the commercial for HP ePrint:



Along with the baby's expressions throughout the whole thing, the song is surprisingly catchy. Melanie Safka from the album, Gather Me, produced in 1971, is the culprit with the unique voice. I listened to some of her other songs and I have to admit, at first I was not a fan;but, she is growing on me. Then again, I have been in a 1970's folk music phase. She was also one of the artists to play at Woodstock. I thought I heard one of her songs on Gilmore Girls but I have not found any evidence to prove that theory...yet.

Okay, moving on. This is a Starburst Commercial advertising their new Berries and Cream.



I love this commercial. In fact, I love this commercial so much, I am pretty sure I have blogged about it before. The starburst of this commercial's name is Jack Ferver and he even makes a video to instruct one on how to do the dance.
Click here to see how people have further waisted their time using this commercial.

Okay so this guy is still playing but apparently no one watches TV anymore cause not a lot of people have heard of it:



Okay I have looked and looked and I cannot find out who the actors are in this commercial. On my failed journey of finding information on this commercial, I saw some comments on youtube that says this commercial is racist because it is a black cop profiling a ghost.

This commercial depicts how I feel when someone hands me a Pepsi when I asked for a coke.



The little girl's name is Hallie Kate Eisenberg. She has been in other films such as Beautiful, How To Eat Fried Worms, and The Miracle Worker where she played Helen Keller.

Introducing My Hero!

So it has definately been over a month since I blogged. Some things have happened. Such as.... I AM ENGAGED!!!!

::cricket cricket::

Okay well anyone who reads my blogs knows me in real life and probably already knew this litte detail.

I am super excited because the whole time we were dating, I resisted the urge to blog about him. But now that we are engaged.....

My hero!
Here he is! This was the semester before we started dating but I am still going to claim this as my own. :)

Up until June 16 my blog will most likely talk about planning my wedding. Maybe a lot about student teaching come this spring... So far we have set a date, June 16, if you did not catch the subtlety in the previous sentence. We are getting married in the Hankamer-Fleming Chapel, or as you locals call it the Texas Baptist Children's home chapel.

Ain't she darling?

This week I am hoping to find a reasonably (cheap) reception site as well as my dress. And by this week I mean in the next three days. Wedding planning is going to be interesting considering the fact that I live 3 1/2 hours away from home on a good day.

Cockroaches Keep Me on a Diet

So yesterday I went on and on about my hatred for cockroaches. I am not really sure where this irrational fear came from. I used to love bugs. I was such a tomboy as a child. I collected rolly pollies and crickets. I remember in fourth grade we had a African Hissing Cockroach as a class pet. I also had an awful teacher in fourth grade so maybe I associate them with authoritarian teaching styles. That in itself is scary.

I really wasn't planning on writing a blog today but I found a dead one in my kitchen and I couldn't stay in there knowing it existed at one point. So I ran off to the library to kill time before going to work tonight. At this point I am really hating living alone. Honestly I think I would do really well on my own, if it wasn't for bugs. Bugs make me dependent on anyone who isn't as lame as I am.

I don't know how I am going to go to sleep at night knowing they are crawling in the walls of my house.

Today I watched Freedom Writers. I love movies like that. It always inspires me to become an amazing teacher. I don't know if I want to be so involved it hurts my relationship at home. Don't get me wrong, I think what she did was very noble and inspiring but there has to be a line drawn to protect the relationships at home. On the other hand I think Dempsy's character should have been more understanding. Obviously the first years for a teacher are going to be time consuming. That should be part of the wedding vows when teachers are getting married. "I promise to love, honor, and cherish you for better and for worse, and to stick with you even if you are going crazy from teaching."

Roachapolas and Dreaming of Painting

Good news! I finally got a follower!

I am not really sure when I last updated this thing. Obviously I could look it up but that is a little bit too much work.

About a month ago I have moved. I actually live in a house now and I love it; although, I heard rumors that I have such a nice house roaches want to crash my pad. I have not seen any live ones and I am fine with that. I can live with the ignorant ideas that bugs just show up already dead in my house.

I don't think I ever shared with the WWW (world wide web) about the roachapolypse of 2011. I was at my boyfriend's house helping him study for a music history test he had in the morning. Well I was helping Aaron study and he gets this look on his face. The look of there-is-a-cockroach-in-my-room-but-I-don't-want-to-tell-Chelsea-because-she-will-freak-out look. I didn't even bother checking to see if I knew him well enough. I just said "I need to leave don't I?"

So I went into the living room where Aaron's cousin/ roommate was watching TV and I just mumbled "cockroach." Aaron came out and said it was safe so I went back in. Not even one minute later there was another one! So he took care of it and I went back in and then there was another one! At this point, I had gotten myself so worked up that I was shaking, crying, and laughing because I was shaking and crying. I was freaking everyone out because I started hyperventilating and said I wanted to go home but I was too afraid to drive home myself because I thought they would be in the car....

I am absolutely uselss when it comes to bugs.

I really do like my house. I live with three other girls. Well, right now I am the only one living there but the short amount of time they were home has been fun!

Lately all I have been doing is work and school. Yesterday and today I wasn't scheduled for work so I spent the whole day channel surfing. My computer doesn't get internet for whatever reason so I have become one with my couch.

Because my boyfriend is a camp counselor at an orchestra camp and all my roommates are away, I have been watching a marathon of Lifetime movies and HGTV for the past few days. I needed to get out of the house for a little bit. At one point I was channel surfing and I ended up on some Catholic channel that had a cartoon on. The cartoon priest was saying that if you pray for the people in purgatory they will be your friend??

Because I live within walking distance of HSU, I have walked to the library so I could catch up on my blog/ do something else besides make fun of Catholic cartoons by myself.

I have one more week of summer 1 left. It has been so much fun. It is set up like a reading camp in the morning and life-skills in the afternoon. My class is in the mornings because this is for my Reading Practicum class. We get set up with one student and we assess them and then come up with lessons to teach them skills they can apply to their reading. I had a really sweet student but he left a week early so now I am observing someone else's tutoring session.

So I am actually getting a summer after all. I haven't really had one since high school.

::Insert blog title here that makes people yearn to read it so I can get attention::

Right now I am at my parents house. It sucks though because the amount of friends that are home when I am home decreases with each year.

So here I am listening to He and She, on my parents computer. I didn't bother bringing my laptop because like most Seniors in college, all my technology is becoming obsolete.

1) I went to RRCA graduation yesterday. A flood of memories came over me as I remember being in their spot. I had no idea what to except but I was determined to not screw up completely whatever happened. I feel like I am in that same boat again because in 1 year I will be a "grown-up." Meaning I will be cut-off from my parents.

2) What will I do after graduation? Well obviously I will try my darndest to get a teaching position. P.S. No one is allowed to say Goood Luck sarcastically or I will throw cows at you. Plan B, get a full time job (please not retail, please not retail!) Why is college going by so quickly??

3) I have been doing Jillian Michaels Thirty Day Shred. I am on day six and I am just now managing to not walk like an old grandma. Seriously crazy for the legs.